


The Art of Playing God

by mothstars, Ribbonlette



Series: The Art of Being Human [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3673101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothstars/pseuds/mothstars, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribbonlette/pseuds/Ribbonlette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humanity is so cute. With all their little quirks and definitions of what is and isn't human. So cute.</p><p>And so disgusting.</p><p>Izaya has made a list of all the things that separate him from them.</p><p>  <i>He laughs and smiles, even when he is angry or sad and rarely when he is happy</i></p><p>    <i>He does things for the sole purpose of terrifying others.</i></p><p>  <i>He finds amusement in his own pain and the pain of those around him, where others feel sympathy.</i></p><p>  <i>He squashes his fear, doesn't feel it, just so he can walk edges that most consider terrifying.</i></p><p>  <i>He loves all humanity, because when you love everyone, one person won't hurt you and you can hurt anyone you want.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Playing God

**Author's Note:**

> Oookay so! My wonderful brother, mothprince, wrote this excellent fic called "The Art of Being Human" and you all need to read it because it is fantastic!! And this is based on it. SO GO READ THAT FIRST.  
> Basically, I had to write Izaya's pov and he said it was okay and so I did. And I almost cried writing this, just fyi but here it is! So there. I'm sorry 75% of what I write is angst, I promise I'll have more fluff soon...
> 
> But for now, enjoy and please leave kudos if you like it!

**"You've reached the phone of Orihara Izaya! If you have this number we must be very close, or you've stolen it. If it is the later, know that I will find you. If it is the former, I already know where you are. Leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you, if I have time."**

\----

Humanity is so cute. With all their little quirks and definitions of what is and isn't human. So cute.

And so disgusting.

Izaya has made a list of all the things that separate him from them.

_He laughs and smiles, even when he is angry or sad and rarely when he is happy._

_He does things for the sole purpose of terrifying others._

_He finds amusement in his own pain and the pain of those around him, where others feel sympathy._

_He squashes his fear, doesn't feel it, just so he can walk edges that most consider terrifying._

_He loves all humanity, because when you love everyone, one person won't hurt you and you can hurt anyone you want._

Sometimes, these things are hard to hold on to. Sometimes, his self is hard to hold on to when he has created his personality to revolve around these aspects, around the concept that he is not human. He is different, after all. Not like his beloved humans. He is a god, soaring above them and looking down and he can't fall, can't let himself get too close or he might lose himself, might become lost like the shadows lurking in the dregs of this city, dragged down too far to be considered worth his effort.

Izaya has convinced many a person that he isn't human. Some believe that he really is a god, above them in all aspects and therefore something to be worshipped. Some think he is merely a fortune teller of sorts, someone not quite human but not quite other. Many however think of him as something different. If asked, many of the residents of Ikebukuro would give you a one word answer.

_Dangerous._

_Evil._

_Monster._

_They are all 100% correct._

This view suits Izaya just fine, of course. His business works as well as it does because his clients have a level of respect for him that at the very least borders on fear. In this way, Izaya can control events and influence organizations in the most subtle of ways, because people are too scared to admit they are connected to such a man.

_Who would want to associate with a monster, after all?_

And Izaya doesn't want to let anyone close anyway. Doesn't want anyone to see his weak points. He has too many enemies, too many people who want him dead. It's just far too dangerous.

Besides, letting people close, letting people in, it requires _feeling things._ Izaya makes it a point to avoid _feeling things_ at all costs. It's too messy, too confusing, too distracting to bother with.

_Too human._

Avoiding _feeling things_ is quite easy for him, really. He is able to simply shut down, separate himself from things and people. If you don't get attached, it can't hurt you after all, and Izaya isn't attached to anything but his life. 

Or at least... he wasn't.

\----

But then someone blasted through his walls with one well aimed vending machine and everything came crashing down around them. It was messy. It was horrible. It was slow, so agonizingly slow that at first he didn't even notice.

He didn't notice that his pastime had become his obsession and his obsession has been chasing him for years and it was only a matter of time before he was caught.

Heiwajima Shizuo finally caught him.

And then suddenly everything was very different. Even though in reality it took years it seemed to him that the change happened in a matter of days. Hate and anger and antagonism changed to something softer, something Izaya had avoided, run from. Fights got less viscous, more teasing. Chases ended in getting caught, rather than getting away; in fact getting caught became the goal. Everything became gentler and it was confusing and terrifying.

Hewajima Shizuo not only caught Orihara Izaya, but he made him _feel things._

Izaya hated it at first. He hated it almost as much as he had hated Shizuo but suddenly he couldn't hate Shizuo anymore and it was horrible. _Feeling things_ was never something he wanted to do. _Being human_ was never something he wanted to do and yet just as it seemed he mellowed Shizuo, Shizuo pulled Izaya onto that level. Forced him to abandon his perch and come down and act like a _person_ rather than a _being._

It was horrible.

Yet Izaya loved it. Being able to let his guard down, though terrifying at first, was an amazing relief. Having someone who had hated him and seen him at his worst, (when he's shaking and bleeding in the bathroom and doesn't know if he exists) yet still stayed, still looked at him the same way. Well, maybe not quite the same as before, just a bit softer, a bit more... caring.

Shizuo loved him. Izaya knew this; after all, Shizuo told him as often as he could and was sure to show him in any way possible. And though he had a difficult time identifying, accepting, and acknowledging it, Izaya was pretty sure he loved Shizuo as well. He tried to show it, in his own way. But he was awkward and had a difficult time with it. Shizuo turned out to be ridiculously nice however and always understood, always forgave him. 

Never left him alone.

\----

A loud, luxurious yawn fills the room. Izaya stretches, pushing away from his desk and standing. It has been a long day of sitting and typing at a computer but finally all his paperwork is done and he can relax. And the first relaxing thing he's going to do is use the bathroom.

He's not gone more than five minutes, yet in that time his phone goes off twice. He doesn't worry about it too much. His phone is always going off, giving him alerts to new forum posts or texts from his large information network. Half the time he just deletes things without even reading them.

Snatching his phone off the desk, Izaya saunters over to the couch and flops down. As he thought, one of the alerts was just a new posting on a forum he watches. Delete. The other makes him pause however.

**1 new voicemail from: Shizu-chan~ <3**

Why would Shizuo be calling at this time of night? He should be on his way home by now. Izaya was going to order take-out in about five minutes in order for it to get here just before Shizuo, so he could have it all set out. But if Shizuo was calling him, then he must be late for some reason.

Izaya isn't too concerned yet, telling himself that if it was a real emergency Shizuo would have tried to call again. He clicks through to listen to the voicemail and just before it starts he has a slight chill.

_Shizuo always texts._

"Hey… Izaya." Izaya's blood goes cold. Shizuo's voice is shaking despite the obvious attempts at keeping it steady, and he sounds weak. "Ah… I guess… you’re busy rah… right now. Um.” There's a sound like someone swallowing hard, followed by a shallow breath, as if it's hard to speak. Izaya stops breathing. “I… I love you. You know that, right...? I love you a lot. And I’m… I’m going to be late for dinner tonight, but don’t wait for me. Your food will be too cold by the time I’m home."

There's a pause and Izaya can't breathe, can't see, because this is a goodbye, a very definite goodbye, a goodbye you hear when you aren't going to see anyone ever again. He almost puts his phone down, almost steps away and acts like everything is fine and Shizuo will be home soon but then Shizuo is talking again and all of that is blown out of the water.

"Well… I have to go now, but… be safe. I’ll miss you."

Izaya doesn't move as the phone seems to clatter to the ground on Shizuo's end. He doesn't move as the line goes dead and his phone beeps at him, telling him that the message is done. Doesn't move, even as he knows he should, knows he should call Shinra or an ambulance or somebody but he doesn't even know where Shizuo is and he can't seem to make his muscles work. He's frozen and he just can't seem to react, can feel that his face is a mask of emptiness and suddenly he's terrified because not only is he unable to move but he can't feel anything either.

Finally, not soon enough, he manages to move. He closes out of his voicemail and dials Shinra's number. He waits for him to pick up but doesn't wait for him to talk.

"Send Celty out to find Shizuo." He ends the call before Shinra can respond.

**_Beep. Beep. Beep._ **

**__**

\----

He isn't sure how it happens, but at some point takeout got here and Izaya has set the table. Everything is set out, nice and pretty, ready to be eaten and enjoyed. But now it's getting cold and Izaya is tired and there's still no one here to eat with him.

He paces the kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, around the table and to the doorway, checking to see if another set of shoes are sitting in the mudroom. If he just missed him coming in. But no one comes home and there are no other shoes and the food is cold.

Izaya goes to bed without eating.

\----

**"You've reached the phone of Orihara Izaya! If you have this number we must be very close, or you've stolen it. If it is the later, know that I will find you. If it is the former, I already know where you are. Leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you, if I have time."**

"Izaya, I know you're avoiding my calls. I know you don't want to hear it. But you need to pick up. We need to talk. A lot has happened and I'm sure you're stressed and bottling it all up isn't helping anyone. My beautiful Celty is even worried about you, since we haven't heard from you since you called earlier. ... ... I know you aren't asleep. Pick up."

**_Beep... beep... beep..._ **

\----

In the morning the food is still on the table and still cold. Izaya glances in the kitchen but then quickly leaves the house. He just doesn't feel like doing dishes right now.

Besides, Shizuo will clean it up when he comes home for lunch.

\----

**"You've reached the phone of Orihara Izaya! If you have this number we must be very close, or you've stolen it. If it is the later, know that I will find you. If it is the former, I already know where you are. Leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you, if I have time."**

"Really. You ignored me again. I can't believe this. Are you even listening to my messages? I've called, I've texted... Can you just respond already? You're not the only one affected by this! Celty is frantic and worried about you and it's... This whole situation is a shock, I know, but... You can't just ignore it. You need to talk to me. Izaya, you need to talk. You knew something, you called me, so why haven't you made any attempt at a follow up? Just... call me back, I guess."

**_Beep..... beep....._ **

**_beeeeep....._ **

\----

When Izaya gets home the food is still on the table and still cold. He glares at it as if it is a personal offense before clearing it away. He has to make room for dinner after all. He'll have to talk to Shizuo about not cleaning it up. He may have left it out but really, why would Shizuo neglect to clean it up? He knows Izaya forgets things in the morning and usually he'll get it.

Izaya orders dinner and sets about tidying up the house. The lamp is broken, shattered across the floor as if it was thrown, and he sweeps up the pieces, throws them in the trash. Shizuo probably just got pissed at a show again or something. Though he usually cleans up his own messes. Izaya pauses in the doorway of the downstairs bathroom, but then quickly closes the door and leaves that mess for another time.

Takeout arrives and is set out, all ready. Izaya sits, waiting patiently. Eleven o'clock comes and goes and the food is cold and Izaya can't seem to make himself clean it up before going to bed.

\----

"It's been three months, Izaya. When are you going to stop setting an extra spot?"

"...Shut up and get back to work, Namie, or I'll dock your pay. And don't clear the table, I'll get it tonight."

\----

**"You've reached the phone of Orihara Izaya! If you have this number we must be very close, or you've stolen it. If it is the later, know that I will find you. If it is the former, I already know where you are. Leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you, if I have time."**

"....I'm worried about you. Please come visit. We need to talk about this. You're scaring me. Please, Izaya just... Please."

**_Beep....._ **

**_...beeep....._ **

**_......beeeeeeeeep......_ **

\----

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

Izaya sighs. He's been listening to the clock for hours now and it still hasn't changed. Nothing about this apartment has changed all evening. There is still glass on the floor. The tv is still broken. The remote is still nowhere to be found. The food is still sitting on the table. Untouched. Cold.

When will Shizuo be home?

He's late. That happens sometimes, he ends up working late. But he usually texts to let Izaya know not to wait up for him, even though Izaya always does.

_Shizuo always texts._

\----

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

**_Tick..._ **

**_Tock..._ **

Izaya can't stand the sound of that clock. But he can't get rid of it. Shizuo loves that clock. It's old fashioned and pointless in Izaya's opinion but Shizuo never lets him get rid of it.

It is one of the things they've had to compromise on. The clock. The switchblades. The couch. The tv. They've had to compromise on a lot of things. But one thing they always agreed on was eating together. Whoever was home first would get dinner ready and they would eat when the other got home. That was the rule.

However, Shizuo has been late a lot lately. It feels like Izaya hardly even sees him anymore and it's frustrating. He had thought he found a person who wouldn't abandon him, that he could feel human around yet not feel weak but suddenly it seems he was wrong.

It hurts.

\----

**_Tick._ **

**_Tock._ **

**_Tick..._ **

**_Tock..._ **

**_...Tick..._ **

**_...To-_ **

**_SMASH._ **

Glass fragments litter the ground around his feet. This is not new. It seems there is always broken glass on the apartment floor these days.

Izaya bends down, picks up one of the larger pieces. A thin line of red slides down his finger and he just glares at it.

He wishes Shizuo would come pick it all up already.

He wishes Shizuo would just come home.

He wishes Shizuo never made him _feel things._

_He wishes Shizuo never taught him the feeling of being loved, just like a human._

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh I was adjusting some things and somehow managed to delete the original! But here! It's back! Woo!


End file.
